There are few moments in life that the noise clears away and you’re left actually listening to yourself. This is one of them.
The things surfaced by this pandemic can be super informative and help you get to know yourself a lot better, if you’ll allow it. I want to pose a few reflective questions to help you get in touch with your own feelings and needs:
Are you filled with anxiety? If so, which fears are the loudest?
-Fears about the future?
-Fear of doing the wrong thing?
-Fears about death?
-Fears of wasting time?
Those are very different reactions. I, for one, have low anxiety, predominantly focused on fears of doing something wrong and that leading to someone else getting hurt. It is motivating me to act like I have the virus for the sake of protecting others, but also to stay pretty focused on how I can serve people in this time.
How are you filling your time?
-Bored? Looking for layers of entertainment and distraction?
-Enjoying the chance to reconnect with yourself?
-Trying to stay in touch with others?
-Figuring out productive things to improve yourself?
Again, these are vastly different reactions. There is a lot that we claim we don’t have time or margin for. As Christians, people talk about not feeling like they have time/margin in their day for disciplines of Bible-reading and/or prayer, for example; when things slow down, do those things become intrinsically easier? Or are there more complicated barriers that drive you to fill time with other things, instead?
As an exercise, try sitting still in silence for ten minutes. Just ten. Try to take note of where your mind goes and what impulses are strongest. The impulse to reach for your phone? What app do you want to open? Why? The impulse to put on music? The impulse to turn on the TV? To take care of a chore or work task? Ask yourself which urges are strongest and what you’re seeking in them.
When you can figure out your own carrot and stick -- what you’re seeking and what you fear -- you can experience the God who meets every need in a far more intimate way. I think our most common carrots/sticks are:
Seeking validation in connectedness and fear of not mattering to others: loneliness. This isn’t a bad fear! There’s no need to assign some kind of judgment to it. It’s an opportunity to experience intimacy with God, not dependent on other people. Try saying out loud to God, “Hey, I’m feeling lonely. I don’t feel like you’re here with me or see me right now; I feel really alone. Could you show me that you love me and see me, please? Could you make your presence more real and tangible and obvious to me? Because I’m not picking up on how subtle it is right now.”
Seeking self-worth in productivity and fear of wasting time: maximizing. Our whole capitalist culture depends heavily on our hustle, and Biblically, the curse has us laboring against nature to scratch out a living. Our relationship with work and productivity has become complicated, and we feel like we need to be doing something worthwhile or we are wasting time. What does it mean to ask God to reveal to you the concept of Sabbath, or Jubilee? Of not gleaning to the edges of the fields on purpose? Ask him to show you what it means that he loves you apart from what you produce; put it to the test. Waste a little time on purpose and ask God to show you He’s still pleased somehow. Make room to experience grace.
The truth of our wild world is that it is far more vast and uncontrollable than we like to think. The truth of our time is that it is terribly limited. The truth of death is that it comes for us all, often unexpectedly, and we don’t think that feels right or natural because there is some impulse in us towards immortality. The truth of labor is that we sometimes need most those whom we value the least. The truth of good intentions is that unintended consequences still hurt others.
There is an infinite God who is supreme over all of these things, and who condescends to offer intimate hope to any who would seek it in any one of those areas. He tells us He is sovereign, that He is infinite, that He offers us eternal life and forgiveness, that regardless of our work or how the world values it, that He has imbued us with value that nothing can ever take away, that we are not alone and needn’t fear what we don’t understand.
“Our heart and flesh may fail, but God is the strength of our heart and our portion forever.” (Ps 73:26)
May these words ring more true than they ever have before.
